Guilt Should Be a Four Letter Word

Guilt.  We all feel it at one point or another, but I don't think we ever feel it as deeply as when we become mothers (or fathers for that matter).

When I was pregnant with my daughter 4 years ago, I was overjoyed.  I felt a part of something so incredible.  Something so much bigger than little old me.  Something absolutely terrifying.  

I was extremely lucky during my pregnancy.  My blood pressure was always outstanding, I never once had morning (or afternoon or evening) sickness.  I didn't have gestational diabetes.  I was very healthy and so was my child.  Ok, so now that I've just lost half of you, let me continue for those who don't completely despise me at the moment...

Along with the incredible experience of knowing that you are creating a human being just south of your rib cage, comes the Mommy Guilt.  There's no avoiding it.  The second you know your husband's/boyfriend's/partner's/donor's little soldiers have reached the summit, overthrown the enemy's front lines, hammered in a flag and staked proper claim, there it is.  The guilt.  You feel guilty that you were blessed with this amazing gift while others will never experience it.  You feel guilty that you didn't start taking those damn prenatal vitamins earlier...but hey, how important is fetal development REALLY?

You feel guilty that, unlike all of your Mommy to be friends, you're not spending every waking hour with a plastic milk bag clutched in your fist for fear that your stomach will decide those 3 cookies you ate (O.K. 5) are really members of an enemy cult that must be eliminated at all costs.  Guilty that you have it so much easier than all of your friends.  Almost to the point where you feel like you have to make up symptoms when they ask you how you're feeling just so they won't feel so bad.  (Don't get me wrong, I had my own things to suffer through, but nothing worth mentioning here for now.)


That's all before baby even takes his/her first breath.  Then the guilt multiplies exponentially.  You now have this amazing little person that relies on you for absolutely everything.  EVERYTHING.  You can't leave them to go take a hot shower...what if they need you?  You can't have a night out with your husband and leave your daughter with your parents or even worse, a sitter.  They're not Mommy, they won't understand her like you do and she won't understand why you've left her.  How could you?


You spend precious moments out with your girlfriends...a much needed break from just being "Maddie's Mom" and not Laurie anymore...but after a short time, you feel guilty for being out and enjoying yourself when you "should" be home taking care of your baby.  Guilty for not getting the Bumbo when everyone else swears by it.  Guilty for not walking the dog as often as you used to.  Guilty for not breastfeeding as long as other mothers do.  Guilty that you can't afford to stay home and raise your child, so you have to return to work and rely heavily on daycare providers to help shape this little creature into a remarkable human being.


Then, by some amazing lapse in sanity, you decide that it's a fantastic idea to do it all again and have a second child.


Mommy Guilt squared.


You love both of your babies immensely.  You wouldn't change a single second you spend with them no matter what.  However, now you feel guilty because baby #1 suddenly has to share you with baby #2.  Baby #2 will never have you all to themselves like baby #1 did.  Baby #1 gets all of the name brand clothes and baby #2 has bags of hand me downs because what mother in their right mind would pay $6 for an outfit the kid's only going to wear for a month???  Nevermind the guilt you feel when you buy YOURSELF a new pair of pants...even though the ones you've been wearing quite literally fall off you as you shuffle through your home with a one year old constantly at your feet with an "up peeeeez Mumeee" and an irresistible grin on his face.


Oh and don't forget feeling guilty that you have little to no time with your husband anymore.   Working around the schedules of 2 small children and 2 careers (one of which involves rotating 12 hour shifts with a 1 hour commute to work each way) is a challenge.  One that I'll admit I lose more than I win.  


So yes, with parenthood comes great guilt.  It could devour you if you let it.  So don't.  Although it's easy to say, stop being a girl!  Being selfless all of the time will leave you with no self left.


Sure, your first born has to share your time now, but they also have someone to play with.  Your second (or third, or God love you your fourth) child has never known differently, so will never "miss" those times when they had you all to themselves.


If you need to work outside of the home (or run a home based business), your children will learn so many valuable lessons, both from you and from being in a daycare situation...work ethic, social skills, the value of money, pride, independence...how to get an extra treat before dinner because Mommy has no clue that it was Mikey's, Jane's and Miss Ashleigh's birthday at the daycare centre so everyone got a huge piece of cake.  


Taking time for yourself will show your children that YOU matter.  That you are Laurie, not just Mommy.  But truly, you're not doing it for that reason...just get the hell out of the house to regain some sanity!  (And although it pains me to say it, your spouse will need to do the same, so let them have some "me" time every now and then too.)


Having said all of that, as long as you're not wallowing or covering yourself in honey and rolling around naked in it, guilt can be a good thing.  It means that you care and THAT is why you're an amazing Mom.  Double edged sword right?  Well throw yourself on top of it and take one for the team.  You're Mom, that's what you do.  


Laurie